Kulula Airlines

———- Forwarded message ———-
From: JUNE CERRETA
Date: Wed, Aug 3, 2011 at 12:57 PM
Subject: Fw: Kulula Airlines
To:

Kulula is a low-cost South-African airline
that doesn't take itself too seriously. Check out their new livery! And have a
read about their Customer Relations.




 

WHAT A
PITY KULULA DOESN'T FLY INTERNATIONALLY – WE SHOULD SUPPORT THEM IF ONLY FOR
THEIR HUMOUR – SO TYPICALLY SOUTH AFRICAN.

Kulula is an Airline with head
office situated in Johannesburg. Kulula airline attendants make an effort to
make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more
entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or
reported:

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit
where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a
flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture
here, find a seat and get in it!"
—o0o—

On another flight with a
very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen,
we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This
is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight
attendants."
—-o0o—

On landing, the stewardess said,
"Please be
sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please
make sure it's something we'd like to have."
—-o0o—

"There may be
50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this
airplane." 
—o0o—

"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you
enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a
ride."
—o0o—

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at
Durban Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella.
WHOA!"
—o0o–

After a particularly rough landing during
thunderstorms in the Karoo, a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please
take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like
that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
—o0o—

From a Kulula
employee: 
"Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth. To operate your
seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just
like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you
probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
—o0o—

"In the
event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling.
Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small
child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you
are travelling with more than one small child, pick your
favorite."
—o0o—

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with
some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank
you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula
Airlines."
—-o0o—

"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation;
and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take
them with our compliments."
—o0o—

"As you
exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind
will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave
children or spouses.”
—o0o—

And from the pilot during his welcome
message:
"Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the
best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this
flight!"
—o0o—

Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in
Cape Town: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was
quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't
the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault; it was the asphalt."
—o0o—

Overheard on a Kulula
flight into Cape Town on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final
approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing,
the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City.
Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain
taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
—o0o—

Another flight
attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain
seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
—o0o—

An
airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into
the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first
officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a
"Thanks for flying our airline". He said that, in light of his bad landing, he
had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would
have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old
lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a
question?"
"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" 
The little
old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
—o0o—

After a
real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg, the attendant came on
with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash
and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.
And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will
open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the
terminal.”
—o0o—

Part of a flight attendant's arrival
announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And,
the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a
pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula
Airways."
—o0o—

Heard on a Kulula flight:
"Ladies and gentlemen,
if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If
you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

—o0o—

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