Know how to be an Ohioan

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Date: Mon, Mar 5, 2012 at 2:06 PM
Subject: Fw: Know how to be an Ohioan


After several decades of living in Ohio, I know how to
be an Ohioan. While I was learning, written guidelines
would have been helpful. So I've written some to
assist others: 
Know the State casserole. The State casserole consists of canned green
beans, Campbell's cream of mushroom soup and dried onions. You
can safely take this casserole to any social  event and know
that you will be accepted. In fact, Neil Armstrong almost took
this casserole to the moon in case he encountered alien life there.
NASA nixed the plan out of concern that the casserole would overburden
the Apollo rocket at lift-off.

2. Get used to food festivals. The Ohio General Assembly, in
an effort to grow bigger offensive linemen, passed
legislation years ago requiring every incorporated community to
have at least one festival per year dedicated to food. Thus,
Sugarcreek honors Maple syrup, Beavercreek loves popcorn, Waynesville
adores sauerkraut, Troy delights in Strawberries, Marion embraces the
Popcorn Festival, Bucyrus has a bratwurst celebration, Circleville has
a pumpkin festival, Reynoldsburg has the Tomato Festival, Jackson has
an apple festival, Deerfield has an apple butter festival, Rio Grande
has the farm festival, and Gahanna, seeking an edge over other
towns, has recently introduced the Triglyceride and Low-density
Lipoprotein Festival. In addition to festivals, each county has a
fair. It is your duty as an Ohioan to attend these festivals/fairs and
at least buy an elephant ear. Don't forget the Port Clinton Walleye
3. Get to know the geography….Of Florida, I mean. I've run
into Ohioans who couldn't tell you where Toledo is but they know
the exact distance from Orlando to 
Ft. Lauderdale. 
That's because all Ohioans go to Florida in the winter. Or plan to
when they retire. Or are related to retired Ohioans who have a place
in Sarasota. We consider Florida to be the Lower Peninsula of
4. If you can't afford to spend the winter in Florida, use
the state excuse, which is that you stay here because you like
the change of seasons. You'll be lying, but that's OK. We've all done
5. Speaking of Ohio weather, wear layers or die. The thing
to remember about Ohio seasons is that they can occur
at  anytime. We have spring-like days in January and
wintry weekends in October. April is capable of providing a
sampling of all four seasons in a single 24-hour period. For these
reasons, Ohio is the Layering Capital of the World. Even layering,
however, can pose danger…Golfers have been known to dress for
hypothermia and end up dead of heat stroke because they couldn't
strip off their layers of plaid fast enough on a changeable
spring morning.
6. Don't take Ohio place names literally. Upper Sandusky is
below regular Sandusky. Circleville is square. East Liverpool has
no counterpart to the west. Also, if a town has the same name as
a foreign capital… Lima or Berlin or Louisville, for
example……you must not pronounce it that way lest you come under
suspicion as a spy. Hence, it's not LEE-ma as in Peru, but LYE-ma as
in bean, and it's BER-lin, not ber-LIN, like in Germany.
Louisville in Ohio is pronounced Looisville, not looeyville as
in Kentucky.
7. Become mulch literate. Ohioans love mulch and appreciate
its subtle differences. Learn the difference
between hardwood, cypress and pine bark at a
minimum. Researchers think the state affinity with mulch
derives from its relatively flat terrain. People have a
subconscious need for topography, and when it can't be supplied
naturally, they are more likely to make little mulch hillocks in their
front yards.
8. In order to talk sports with obsessive fans in Ohio,
you have to be knowledgeable on three levels — professional,
college and high school. The truly expert Ohio sports fan knows
not only the name of the latest hotshot quarterback at THE Ohio
State University, but also what high school he's from, how much he
bench-presses, who he took to the prom and what he got on his biology
quiz last week.
9. Remember that Ohioans are never the first to embrace
trends. When we do embrace them, we do so with a Midwestern
pragmatism. For example, if you see an Ohioan with a nose
there's a good chance he's had it undercoated to guard against
10. The best way to sell something in Ohio is to attach the
term "Amish" to it. The product need not be genuinely
Amish. This would explain the existence of Amish moo shu
11. Know the local celebrities who are/were Ohioans – Clark
Gable, Cadiz  (KA-diz – again, not like the city in Spain –
(ka-DEES); Dean Martin, Steubenville; Robert Urich, Toronto; Dave
Thomas (founder of Wendy's), Dublin; Toni Morrison; Phyllis Diller;
Bob Hope; Elliot Ness; Orville and Wilbur Wright – and many
12. Know that Ohio has been home to more Presidents than any
other state except Virginia. Ohio and Virginia are
currently tied.
13. Be able to properly pronounce the unusual names of
counties and cities like Tuscarawras County, Guernsey
County, Gnaddenhuten, Bellefontaine, Cuyahoga County, and Geauga
County . And don't forget the Scioto and Olentangy rivers.
I hope you found this guide to be useful. If it offends
you, please let me know and I will bring green bean
casserole to your home to make

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