Some old, some new

———- Forwarded message ———-
From: JUNE CERRETA
Date: Wed, Sep 12, 2012 at 5:33 PM
Subject: Some old, some new
To: LEE LOWERY 

 
Subject: Some old, some
new

A friend
tells the blonde, "Christmas is on a Friday this year."

 
  The blonde says, "Let ' s hope it ' s not the
13th."
 
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Two
blondes find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police
station.
 
One asks, "What if one explodes before we get
there?"
 
The other says, "We ' ll lie and say we only found
two."
 
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A
woman phones her blonde neighbor and says, "Close your curtains the next
time you and your husband are having sex.  The whole street was
watching and laughing at you yesterday."
 
To which the
blonde replies, "Well the joke ' s on all of you because I wasn ' t even
at home
yesterday."
 
————————————
 
A
blonde is in the bathroom and her husband shouts, "Did you find the
shampoo?"
 
She answers, "Yes, but I ' m not sure what to
do… it ' s for dry hair and I ' ve just wet
mine."
 
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A blonde
goes to the vet with her goldfish.  "I think it ' s got epilepsy,"
she tells the vet.
 
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems
calm enough to me.”
 
The blonde says, "I haven ' t taken it
out of the bowl
yet."
 
————————————
 
A
blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.  It says on the
envelope, "DO NOT BEND."
 
He spends the next 2 hours trying
to figure out how to pick it
up.
 
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A
blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and
her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
 
"Is this her
first child?" asks the Doctor.
 
"No!" he shouts, "this is
her
husband!"
 
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A
blonde is driving home, drunk as a skunk.  Suddenly she has to
swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
 
A cop
car pulls her over, so she tells the cop about all the trees in the
road.
 
The cop says, "That ' s your air freshener swinging
about!"
 
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A
blonde’s dog goes missing, and she is frantic.    Her
husband says, "Why don ' t you put an ad in the paper?"
 
She
does, but two weeks later, the dog is still missing.
 
"What
did you put in the paper?" her husband asks.
 
She replies,
"Here
boy!"
 
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A
blonde man is in jail.  The guard looks in his cell and sees him
hanging by his feet.
 
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he
asks.
 
"Hanging myself," the blonde
replies.
 
"It should be around your neck," says the
guard.
 
"I know," he replies, "but then I couldn ' t
breathe."
 
————————————
 
An
Italian tourist asks a blonde, "Why do American scuba divers always fall
backwards off their boats?"
 
To which the blonde replies,
"If they fell forward, they ' d still be in the
boat."

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